.

so i didn't title my blog anything cause that's just kinda how i feel right now. i'm just over everything. i'm over not hanging out with anyone. i'm over spending every night cooped up in my room. i'm tired of not getting out and doing things with friends. i used to be so happy and lately i just feel like i'm not. i'm always sad or in a bad mood. i just let the littlest, stupidest things make me mad or sad.

none of this is chris' fault at all. it's not his fault that i'm just in my room every night all night. i know he would be more than understanding if i went out and spent time with my friends. the problem is that i don't have any. i have amber and vanessa but amber never answers my texts and vanessa is busy with school, work, her guy on the weekends and other friends. since krystal left and chris isn't here, they're the only two people i hang out with, and i feel like i don't even have them.

then i'm tired of thinking about other guys. i'm tired of seeing david and thinking about what could have been if we had dated. i'm tired of thinking about how different my life would be right now if i wasn't with chris and i was with david or even with matt. i don't want to think about those things. i'm happy with chris, i really really am. i don't want to be with any other guy but him. so i don't understand why i keep thinking about that. i feel like it's really unfair to chris. i know that i really liked both of them and i'll never forget about them. i know that he understands that too, but i still don't feel like its fair. i love him and i don't want to be thinking about other guys and how they did me wrong or what could have been when i'm talking to him. it puts me in a bad mood or makes me sad, and i know that that is definitely not fair to him.

i'm just ready for something new. i'm ready to be in north carolina with chris, in a new house, at a new job, with new people. of course i'm gonna miss everyone here and i know it's gonna be hard. my heart just isn't here anymore. i'm tired of being here. i'm tired of being away from chris. i'm tired of the distance putting a strain on our relationship.

gosh i'm just a big ball of a frustrated mess. i'm scared, i'm excited, i'm tired, i'm bored, i'm stressed. i'm pretty much feeling every emotion at one time and that's tiring and draining. but i don't know how to fix it, i don't know how to make it go away and that's one of the most frustrating things ever.

but baby,
i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i've been taking everything out on you because you don't deserve it. i'm sorry that a lot of times i'm sad or upset about something. i know that it makes it hard to be around me. i'm not doing it on purpose and when i say that i don't know what's wrong, i really don't. and that's probably because there's so much wrong at the time that i cant pinpoint one thing. i'm sorry for taking things out on you and for upsetting you. i know its hard on you to see me sad and upset and not knowing what's wrong or how to fix it. but thank you for putting up with me and not giving up on me. that really does mean a lot. just know that this is all really hard on me, you not being here, being so busy and not having time to hang out with anyone. but i have no excuse for taking it out on you. i promise to try to do better but i can't promise it will always be better. i can't promise that some nights i'm gonna be sad or upset and i can't promise that i won't take it out on you. but i apologize in advanced for any time i do. just remember how much i love you. and if it's something you did.. i promise you'll know :p
i love you sweetie.